the toll of the 'acquiring' game

The game of acquiring more and more things leads to less free time because taking care of our things eats up our time. Cleaning them, maintaining them, repairing them, storing them, organising them.... my head has started spinning each time I was cleaning around the apartment. Are we literally spending our own money on things we think are expected of us? 

I have been reading and been very inspired by the minimalistic ideas of some of my favorite blogs. I have always been drawn to the lifestyle but so far found it hard to break free from the constant shoulds and expectations. I believe though that deep down, we are actually minimalistic, we require little to be content, and we need few things to live well, it's only the pressure that messes with our mind and then we lose sight of what is important and what we truly need, we gradually buy into the promise that having more brings more joy. Then we can't let go. We grow attached to our items and to the false promise of 'more and more'.

Today, a friend has been complaining about four items that in just two days, broke down in her home. Now he needs to spend money and time on fixing those things that he perhaps could do without. 

Are we spending the money we earn on things that help us, that we truly need, that enhance our lives? Or what is our motivation behind bringing home 'just one more' item from the store?

Decluttering and pairing down will actually leave us with a lot more of what we really need, such as more free time. More clarity and more focus.

 

 Steals:

• Time
• Space
• Energy
• Clarity
• Focus
• Serenity
• Freedom
• Generosity
• The natural contentment of being at peace with yourself instead of constantly comparing and envying others and feeling like you lack something.
• Your true Self

My take on Relationships

Over the years I have developed an attitude to relationships, that I consider my own. Whether this has come about as part of a defense mechanism or it's just my way of thinking about relationships remains to be seen. However, I consider this one of my best perspectives that I wish I could adopt easily to other areas of my life. 

I welcome every romantic relationship that comes my way. I am happy and thankful for each person that comes along. I am not a believer in fate, but in accidental happenings, however I do believe that every person who comes along has their perfect timing in a way and will teach me just what I need at that time of my life. I also consider every single person I come into contact with, a teacher. Whether I like them or not, whether I respect them or not, they will have something valuable to offer me that I can learn if I am open to them. I will gladly remember advice or wise words I receive from absolutely anyone, and I have noticed that each and every person has something wise to say I have not considered before. 

Speaking of romantic relationships, there is no one person. No one man or woman who is our significant other. There isn't just one person to fulfill us, but there are many different ones who will fulfill different needs in us. I don't believe in a significant other, or 'our other half' as we often refer to our actual partner. We are whole and enough on our own. Being with someone, having a partner will not make us more worthy, but may make us happier and more fulfilled. So someone joins our journey and becomes our partner. For a while, for a longer while or for life. There are many people out there who can become our One-s. There are some who will, and some who won't - out of those who would be a good match from certain points of view, out of those who are somewhere waiting for someone just like you. But most of these we will never meet. Even though they are out there. Some of these we meet, and we click in many ways, we learn from them and enjoy the time spent together, then we might move on to meet the other One's. 

I am here, in my current opinion, to have a series of relationships. I am happy for the relationships I have had so far, cherish all these memories, in fact it's memories of these relationships that are my fondest; the excitement of the upcoming ones are what I am truly looking forward in life. I am here to enjoy every relationship, cherish the time together but I also understand that everyone who comes into my life, will do so out of their own free will, we all start out as strangers, we stay close to someone as long as we enjoy so but each one of us is free to do what they want, whether it is to stay, to move on or be with others, at the very same time. We are all free to make decisions based on what we truly desire, and not what society expects us to do because that's the way others do it and that's the way the world goes around.

And so the concept of monogamy does not appeal to me, it seems downright stupid to me to be restricted to doing what Should be done because that's the way to go according to most. It is perhaps possible that some people truly enjoy monogamy, and are satisfied with sleeping with one person for the longest time. I would be terrified for example if I were to settle down with someone and would have to make a wow, or a promise of any kind to stay sexually faithful to them for the rest of my life. It is hard for me to imagine that anyone would truly want that and not crave more. Perhaps they have discovered the secret of keeping a relationship exciting and passionate long-term or more likely, they just like the notion of the 'significant other' and will conform and compromise and accept, to assure they stay together.
I, for one, am motivated and always excited by the idea that someone new may just be around the corner, that I will fall in love again and that during my lifetime I will come across many interesting romantic partners who will join my journey for a while and teach me a thing or two. If I was to forbid myself these experiences, deny myself this genuine desire, whether I am in a steady relationship or not, I would be very sad. I would feel utterly deprived. I'd feel I have so much less to look forward in life. 

There are some things that come to mind that I hear others say often. When I hear women say that they had a relationship that didn't work out and it turned out he was not the one, so now they think they wasted time, wasted years on that person. I think this view is the opposite of what I believe. We never waste our time on anyone, we are together with someone at a certain time because at that time they are the right person for us. It's not the case to regret time spent together if things ultimately don't work out. In this life everything comes to an end, nothing stays permanent, there's loss everywhere we will deal with until our life ends. I like to abide by "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened" That's a perfect dr Seuss quote to describe how I feel about relationships. 
 Plus, in our endless quest for the One, for the one person to complete us and make us happy forever, we pass up opportunities to be happy, to find joy with someone. If we are always looking for signs that they be the be-all end-all partners and commit to us, we will tighten up and deprive ourselves of beautiful experiences. Why would those be less valuable just because they are not for a lifetime?

If we know that everyone is free to do what they want, we know that there's no need for jealousy or possessiveness. When I read articles on 'how to keep our partner from straying', it seems so strange to me, because we cannot keep anyone from doing what they want, we cannot make demands on anyone, force anyone into staying, loving us, staying faithful or doing anything for us just because we would like them to. And there's no need to take anything personally. What they choose to do is not about us, it's their decision and does not have to hurt or affect us so deeply. It doesn't mean we don't love them, but we understand the concept of freedom and free will. And we don't insist on owning anyone. If someone 'cheats on me' they don't really cheat on me, they sleep with someone else but this is not about me, it's their decision to do something with someone else and it is my problem how I decide to react to it, whether I react with ease or with anger. I do not have to be hurt by this. It is not about me, it may affect me or my life later but our partner is not set out to hurt us when he sleeps with someone. Would it make me feel better if my partner intentionally suppressed his desire to be with someone else only to 'avoid hurting me'. I could not expect that, it is not natural.

What I don't understand is-  why people think they can have more friends they love, more family members and more than 1 children to love, and yet they cannot for the world entertain the idea of loving more than one romantic partner and co-existing together. When it comes to romance, we become jealous and possessive, but it's love just like the all other love. Isn't it?

So attachment issues will come into play and the art of letting go. Here's a long-time favorite quote of mine:
"But that is not to say: do not treasure them. This is not to say: discard them, mangle them, and abuse them. But simply refuse to find yourself in them; refuse to identify with them; base your self-worth on them. Play with them, enjoy them, nurture them – but realise that one day they will have to go." urbanmonk.net

We don't own anyone, nobody is our property, everyone is free and will walk on our road as long as they want, regardless of what we want. It is best to enjoy their company and be happy and thankful for being part of our journey for as long as they are! 
We need to find our own value in ourselves, instead of searching for the One relationship to give meaning to our life. 

I have recently attended Dealing with Failure meeting at the English club and when honestly speaking about our own failures, one woman said she feels she has failed because she is not married (yet). Is that though her own true idea of failure or she thinks she should be married because most woman are by her age.... 

Letting go with ease is important, I think we need to know when it's the case to work on a relationship and hang in there and when it's wiser to give up on something and let go. If we are not in the possessive mindset and we understand that we are all ultimately separate, letting go comes easier. 

In another conversation with a friend, she said:  'I just don't understand why people like that cross our path if it's not meant to be' 
Nothing in this life is meant to be, or everything is for a certain chapter.  And that's what we all are to each other, path-crossers. I hope I meet many more wonderful path-crossers. 

guilt-ing yourself alive

it's one of the popular things I hear people say, when they want to calm themselves down that they are being good a person, they say they cannot do something or need to do something because otherwise they will feel a pang of conscience, remorse, guilt.

I say if the reason behind your actions are those out of guilt, then it's clear that it's never what you truly desire to do and so that may be reason enough to feel remorse (the only thing I would feel remorse for is acting out of character); otherwise, it's a useless territory that deters you from your authentic ground, the only one to refer to when we decide what actions to take.

projecting an image

Reading these wonderful thought-provoking posts on owning, how we buy into the myth of ownership. We think that by owning our own place, owning a car, clothes and all that stuff, we are building an image of ourselves, an image we project to the world. We then want to keep upgrading this image, we will go to great lengths to protect it. We think that owning and possessing is what gives value to our existance and value to our being.

Why is building an image of ourselves important? Why do we feel we need to display this image and keep embellishing it by hoarding up more stuff and owning more.

The desire to accumulate and possess more stuff comes from outside pressure, and will only alienate us further away from our true self, the freedom of just being ourselves without stuff attached to it and without labels of what we bought. But the more we own, the more time and energy, worry and money will go into maintaining, repairing our things and adding to them to keep the collection going.

I think  that wanting to project and protect this image of ourselves can manifest in different forms, from wearing clothes that represent our taste, to like-ing posts that protect our image. We may be protective of what we think we deserve credit for. 

And so protecting our image can also lead to alienating ourselves from others, being less interested in sharing. When you care more about being with other people, suddenly protecting your ego becomes less important, you will be more likely compromise and accept a shared image, a point of view that does not completely reflect yourself.