My take on Relationships

Over the years I have developed an attitude to relationships, that I consider my own. Whether this has come about as part of a defense mechanism or it's just my way of thinking about relationships remains to be seen. However, I consider this one of my best perspectives that I wish I could adopt easily to other areas of my life. 

I welcome every romantic relationship that comes my way. I am happy and thankful for each person that comes along. I am not a believer in fate, but in accidental happenings, however I do believe that every person who comes along has their perfect timing in a way and will teach me just what I need at that time of my life. I also consider every single person I come into contact with, a teacher. Whether I like them or not, whether I respect them or not, they will have something valuable to offer me that I can learn if I am open to them. I will gladly remember advice or wise words I receive from absolutely anyone, and I have noticed that each and every person has something wise to say I have not considered before. 

Speaking of romantic relationships, there is no one person. No one man or woman who is our significant other. There isn't just one person to fulfill us, but there are many different ones who will fulfill different needs in us. I don't believe in a significant other, or 'our other half' as we often refer to our actual partner. We are whole and enough on our own. Being with someone, having a partner will not make us more worthy, but may make us happier and more fulfilled. So someone joins our journey and becomes our partner. For a while, for a longer while or for life. There are many people out there who can become our One-s. There are some who will, and some who won't - out of those who would be a good match from certain points of view, out of those who are somewhere waiting for someone just like you. But most of these we will never meet. Even though they are out there. Some of these we meet, and we click in many ways, we learn from them and enjoy the time spent together, then we might move on to meet the other One's. 

I am here, in my current opinion, to have a series of relationships. I am happy for the relationships I have had so far, cherish all these memories, in fact it's memories of these relationships that are my fondest; the excitement of the upcoming ones are what I am truly looking forward in life. I am here to enjoy every relationship, cherish the time together but I also understand that everyone who comes into my life, will do so out of their own free will, we all start out as strangers, we stay close to someone as long as we enjoy so but each one of us is free to do what they want, whether it is to stay, to move on or be with others, at the very same time. We are all free to make decisions based on what we truly desire, and not what society expects us to do because that's the way others do it and that's the way the world goes around.

And so the concept of monogamy does not appeal to me, it seems downright stupid to me to be restricted to doing what Should be done because that's the way to go according to most. It is perhaps possible that some people truly enjoy monogamy, and are satisfied with sleeping with one person for the longest time. I would be terrified for example if I were to settle down with someone and would have to make a wow, or a promise of any kind to stay sexually faithful to them for the rest of my life. It is hard for me to imagine that anyone would truly want that and not crave more. Perhaps they have discovered the secret of keeping a relationship exciting and passionate long-term or more likely, they just like the notion of the 'significant other' and will conform and compromise and accept, to assure they stay together.
I, for one, am motivated and always excited by the idea that someone new may just be around the corner, that I will fall in love again and that during my lifetime I will come across many interesting romantic partners who will join my journey for a while and teach me a thing or two. If I was to forbid myself these experiences, deny myself this genuine desire, whether I am in a steady relationship or not, I would be very sad. I would feel utterly deprived. I'd feel I have so much less to look forward in life. 

There are some things that come to mind that I hear others say often. When I hear women say that they had a relationship that didn't work out and it turned out he was not the one, so now they think they wasted time, wasted years on that person. I think this view is the opposite of what I believe. We never waste our time on anyone, we are together with someone at a certain time because at that time they are the right person for us. It's not the case to regret time spent together if things ultimately don't work out. In this life everything comes to an end, nothing stays permanent, there's loss everywhere we will deal with until our life ends. I like to abide by "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened" That's a perfect dr Seuss quote to describe how I feel about relationships. 
 Plus, in our endless quest for the One, for the one person to complete us and make us happy forever, we pass up opportunities to be happy, to find joy with someone. If we are always looking for signs that they be the be-all end-all partners and commit to us, we will tighten up and deprive ourselves of beautiful experiences. Why would those be less valuable just because they are not for a lifetime?

If we know that everyone is free to do what they want, we know that there's no need for jealousy or possessiveness. When I read articles on 'how to keep our partner from straying', it seems so strange to me, because we cannot keep anyone from doing what they want, we cannot make demands on anyone, force anyone into staying, loving us, staying faithful or doing anything for us just because we would like them to. And there's no need to take anything personally. What they choose to do is not about us, it's their decision and does not have to hurt or affect us so deeply. It doesn't mean we don't love them, but we understand the concept of freedom and free will. And we don't insist on owning anyone. If someone 'cheats on me' they don't really cheat on me, they sleep with someone else but this is not about me, it's their decision to do something with someone else and it is my problem how I decide to react to it, whether I react with ease or with anger. I do not have to be hurt by this. It is not about me, it may affect me or my life later but our partner is not set out to hurt us when he sleeps with someone. Would it make me feel better if my partner intentionally suppressed his desire to be with someone else only to 'avoid hurting me'. I could not expect that, it is not natural.

What I don't understand is-  why people think they can have more friends they love, more family members and more than 1 children to love, and yet they cannot for the world entertain the idea of loving more than one romantic partner and co-existing together. When it comes to romance, we become jealous and possessive, but it's love just like the all other love. Isn't it?

So attachment issues will come into play and the art of letting go. Here's a long-time favorite quote of mine:
"But that is not to say: do not treasure them. This is not to say: discard them, mangle them, and abuse them. But simply refuse to find yourself in them; refuse to identify with them; base your self-worth on them. Play with them, enjoy them, nurture them – but realise that one day they will have to go." urbanmonk.net

We don't own anyone, nobody is our property, everyone is free and will walk on our road as long as they want, regardless of what we want. It is best to enjoy their company and be happy and thankful for being part of our journey for as long as they are! 
We need to find our own value in ourselves, instead of searching for the One relationship to give meaning to our life. 

I have recently attended Dealing with Failure meeting at the English club and when honestly speaking about our own failures, one woman said she feels she has failed because she is not married (yet). Is that though her own true idea of failure or she thinks she should be married because most woman are by her age.... 

Letting go with ease is important, I think we need to know when it's the case to work on a relationship and hang in there and when it's wiser to give up on something and let go. If we are not in the possessive mindset and we understand that we are all ultimately separate, letting go comes easier. 

In another conversation with a friend, she said:  'I just don't understand why people like that cross our path if it's not meant to be' 
Nothing in this life is meant to be, or everything is for a certain chapter.  And that's what we all are to each other, path-crossers. I hope I meet many more wonderful path-crossers. 

guilt-ing yourself alive

it's one of the popular things I hear people say, when they want to calm themselves down that they are being good a person, they say they cannot do something or need to do something because otherwise they will feel a pang of conscience, remorse, guilt.

I say if the reason behind your actions are those out of guilt, then it's clear that it's never what you truly desire to do and so that may be reason enough to feel remorse (the only thing I would feel remorse for is acting out of character); otherwise, it's a useless territory that deters you from your authentic ground, the only one to refer to when we decide what actions to take.

projecting an image

Reading these wonderful thought-provoking posts on owning, how we buy into the myth of ownership. We think that by owning our own place, owning a car, clothes and all that stuff, we are building an image of ourselves, an image we project to the world. We then want to keep upgrading this image, we will go to great lengths to protect it. We think that owning and possessing is what gives value to our existance and value to our being.

Why is building an image of ourselves important? Why do we feel we need to display this image and keep embellishing it by hoarding up more stuff and owning more.

The desire to accumulate and possess more stuff comes from outside pressure, and will only alienate us further away from our true self, the freedom of just being ourselves without stuff attached to it and without labels of what we bought. But the more we own, the more time and energy, worry and money will go into maintaining, repairing our things and adding to them to keep the collection going.

I think  that wanting to project and protect this image of ourselves can manifest in different forms, from wearing clothes that represent our taste, to like-ing posts that protect our image. We may be protective of what we think we deserve credit for. 

And so protecting our image can also lead to alienating ourselves from others, being less interested in sharing. When you care more about being with other people, suddenly protecting your ego becomes less important, you will be more likely compromise and accept a shared image, a point of view that does not completely reflect yourself. 

developing a sense of 'enough'

Why is it that the next thing out there always seems more appealing? Just because it's not mine yet to possess. I buy a book and haven't even started reading it yet, I am onto the search of the next book to buy. Always on the look-out for the next bite to enjoy, the next new experience, something new to own.

This doesn't give me a chance to be in the present and savour what I have right now. This is also where I need to recognise that all I need I  already have.

The next new thing will not fill the void the latest one has not. It's very interesting how we are on the hunt all the time. This is also how addiction develops, whether it's bingeing, shopping, sex, it has a lot to do with the thrill of that future bite/purchase. Thinking that something out there is better than what we already have experienced. Thinking we are missing out...

Need to learn to savour the now and feel content with what we have. As Geneen Roth says: "until we believe we are enough, we'll never believe we have enough" 

" Life’s richness does not come as a result of acquiring what you don’t have. True richness comes from fully living and making the most of the unique and valuable things you do have." Ralph Marston

it is our natural state to like ourselves

"I look in the mirror and cannot stand what I see."   we hear often

I believe it is your natural state to automatically like yourself. No questions asked. No judgements.
When we look in the mirror we see Ourselves, no matter what that looks like, it's with inner acceptance we perceive.

But later, when we start thinking, whether it really is ok what we see, whether it's ok for the others, whether we measure up to what is expected, to what is considered the norm, the beautiful..... then the judgements come one by one. We are overwhelmed by the judgements and the "should statements" and self-acceptance loses terrain.

We start referring to what we see by words like -ugly, fat, or worse we call ourselves names and berate ourselves for not being more in control of what the image should be like (for whom?). We turn against ourselves, criticise ourselves and hope the fight will lead to positive change.

When we are saddened by what we see, we are fact saddened by all the external influences we have internalised of what we should look like, be like.

And then we go around and believe that it is truly us not liking our own image in the mirror.

Only we do, no matter what we see, we see ourselves, and authentically, without pressure from outside, we accept and naturally like what we see. That's a given. Self-compassion is a given until education and media interferes.

But then, you ask, how will I improve/change if I accept and like what I see. Changes don't come from a  place of hate and criticism. Change doesn't come from resisting reality and fighting it and punishing yourself. "You can't punish yourself into change. You can't whip yourself into shape. But you can love yourself into well-being." ~ Susan Skye

and change comes from a place where you truly want it for yourself and not from a place of pressure that it is expected of you.

stripped

It's amazing to find how little we really need once we are stripped of the desire to please and search for approval.
I know that it would be one of my regrets later when it's too late if knowing all this, I would conclude that I have not lived with integrity and have not been true to myself.
It is one of my biggest inner conflicts - the desire to fit in and get approval (or what i think would get approval) and just being, myself. I don't think I'm alone with this.
With all the games we are playing, it is in the end difficult to recognise who you are without the fringes.
So in this society we live in, how much of the facade is necessary to keep.... I always check in with myself and ask myself, what would I be like, dress like, do and behave if there was no one around. That's how this post is so touching: Tara Wagner talks about her revolutionary experience of cutting all her long hair:

"But I AM FREE now. I recognize the difference, in the way only a previously and ignorantly unfree person could recognize. I’m suddenly free of the past. I’m free of the expectations I’ve accepted in my life (from myself and others). I’m free of the facade, the props I would use to convey Who I Am.

I’m free of the NEED to convey Who I Am."

That's right, it feels like daily we put up a fight for the need to convey who we are. The need that is perhaps not even a real need, necessity, it could all be in our head. That we will get approval if we do something, if we look a certain way....

It was actually a phase a few years ago when I decided to let go of the need to convey an image that I myself went through the revolutionary experience of getting a very short hair-cut. Only now, I feel the need to go shorter and shorter. To cut out more and more. Of what isn't the basic me.

I have been convinced for a long time now that half of what we do, we aquire and wear is for approval. Instead of spending our own money for what we truly need, it is spent on the fake need of approval. Only we probably all know it's a game we cannot win because conveying an image gets us nowhere. At best, it earns a few praises here and there.

But at most, what we think is so important, people don't even notice. And when we return to ourselves, people will not notice the difference either. What we think is so evident really is not. And we have everything to gain. By rediscovering our true selves, stripped of the need to conform.

Rediscovering what we like to do, wear, eat when we give ourselves permission to be, to be free!

The only approval we need is our own, and our own approval will never be based on notions of what we should be like. I firmly believe that we always get our own approval if we stay true to ourselves, no matter what.

Why is it so difficult to say those words when you are about to refuse doing something.

We think of all sorts of excuses to avoid having to say: I just don't want to.

Some time ago when I asked someone about something he stopped doing, I expected all sorts of fancy excuses and what I heard to my surprise is that he simply didn't want to anymore.

I think we avoid it because we think it's hurtful, and we'd rather say anything else than that truth. But saying it is liberating and in-your-face surprising because it's authentic. And so it may just be appreciated.

the Sun to the Earth

photo credit

wonderfully said. Let's stop walking around with a belief of entitlement, of expectations of other people, what they should do for us because we are deserving. We are all standing separate and anything we do each other comes from our free will, not to be taken for granted, and certainly not to expect something in return.
Be grateful for each experience, each 'teacher' who has touched your path this year. There's no place for regrets, for everything has contributed to your journey and offered lessons. There's no wasted time, if things haven't turned out the way you hoped and worked on, it doesn't mean the experience hasn't offered valuable lessons. Try to deal with disappointments with acceptance and humbleness, practice detachment.
We don't owe each other anything at all, so anything we get from another person is a gift to say thank you for.
Experiences are not promised to last, they will come and go, we will learn the lesson to enjoy while we can and not look back with anger and regret but with gratitude and enjoyment that it was all part of our lives.

fearlessly authentic

photo here

As I am reading this blog talk about shame and how well we were taught to feel shameful and how we cannot let go of this as adults either, I am thinking how different our lives would be if we were more shameless. Fearless. Tonight my friends and I discussed the idea that so much of our lives is governed by fear... but I'm thinking more along the lines of what we would be like if we weren't so afraid and wouldn't feel embarrassed. If we felt free to do what we want. Sometimes it comes natural to let go and not care, most of the time we find it difficult not to care. Not to care of what others think.

That's why this post has touched me because I absolutely love it when someone just puts it out there. When you have the guts to lay it out there, your thoughts pure and uncensored, unabashed, the way you are. That's where we tamper with our creativity, when we start editing and criticising our instinctive work, based on what we think others will think of us. Sometimes we do everything to hide what we think others will not like about us, what we think are our shortcomings. We do a lot of editing to improve our image. In the process of the editing, our true self gets lost.

On the rarer occasions we feel more gutsy and shameless, we realise that we are the ones running the show and no one can judge us without our consent. They can and will judge, but it is only with our consent that it affects us.

So then, how can you act today if you felt more fearless? What would you do, say or what would dress like? We often get into the role-playing so much that we forget what it is that would make us passionate about being ourselves. What would be different if you cared less about them and more about being you?

the way to happiness...

I was reading this quote yesterday which said that we feel happiest when we are working toward a goal and I was thinking...not sure about this one. How much does having aims and working toward achieving them contribute to happiness? While I am always thinking about fulfilling our potential, I am uncertain about the relationship between goals and happiness. Working toward goals and trying to tap into our potential is more like fun, something interesting that improves our life and adds joy to it.

Happiness is not the destination you get to when you achieve something, it is here all along. Happiness is in the moment right now. It's not a later notion, it's something to tune in to anytime, independent of where you get to be and achieve later. It's in the acceptance and full embracement of NOW.