developing a sense of 'enough'

Why is it that the next thing out there always seems more appealing? Just because it's not mine yet to possess. I buy a book and haven't even started reading it yet, I am onto the search of the next book to buy. Always on the look-out for the next bite to enjoy, the next new experience, something new to own.

This doesn't give me a chance to be in the present and savour what I have right now. This is also where I need to recognise that all I need I  already have.

The next new thing will not fill the void the latest one has not. It's very interesting how we are on the hunt all the time. This is also how addiction develops, whether it's bingeing, shopping, sex, it has a lot to do with the thrill of that future bite/purchase. Thinking that something out there is better than what we already have experienced. Thinking we are missing out...

Need to learn to savour the now and feel content with what we have. As Geneen Roth says: "until we believe we are enough, we'll never believe we have enough" 

" Life’s richness does not come as a result of acquiring what you don’t have. True richness comes from fully living and making the most of the unique and valuable things you do have." Ralph Marston

it is our natural state to like ourselves

"I look in the mirror and cannot stand what I see."   we hear often

I believe it is your natural state to automatically like yourself. No questions asked. No judgements.
When we look in the mirror we see Ourselves, no matter what that looks like, it's with inner acceptance we perceive.

But later, when we start thinking, whether it really is ok what we see, whether it's ok for the others, whether we measure up to what is expected, to what is considered the norm, the beautiful..... then the judgements come one by one. We are overwhelmed by the judgements and the "should statements" and self-acceptance loses terrain.

We start referring to what we see by words like -ugly, fat, or worse we call ourselves names and berate ourselves for not being more in control of what the image should be like (for whom?). We turn against ourselves, criticise ourselves and hope the fight will lead to positive change.

When we are saddened by what we see, we are fact saddened by all the external influences we have internalised of what we should look like, be like.

And then we go around and believe that it is truly us not liking our own image in the mirror.

Only we do, no matter what we see, we see ourselves, and authentically, without pressure from outside, we accept and naturally like what we see. That's a given. Self-compassion is a given until education and media interferes.

But then, you ask, how will I improve/change if I accept and like what I see. Changes don't come from a  place of hate and criticism. Change doesn't come from resisting reality and fighting it and punishing yourself. "You can't punish yourself into change. You can't whip yourself into shape. But you can love yourself into well-being." ~ Susan Skye

and change comes from a place where you truly want it for yourself and not from a place of pressure that it is expected of you.

stripped

It's amazing to find how little we really need once we are stripped of the desire to please and search for approval.
I know that it would be one of my regrets later when it's too late if knowing all this, I would conclude that I have not lived with integrity and have not been true to myself.
It is one of my biggest inner conflicts - the desire to fit in and get approval (or what i think would get approval) and just being, myself. I don't think I'm alone with this.
With all the games we are playing, it is in the end difficult to recognise who you are without the fringes.
So in this society we live in, how much of the facade is necessary to keep.... I always check in with myself and ask myself, what would I be like, dress like, do and behave if there was no one around. That's how this post is so touching: Tara Wagner talks about her revolutionary experience of cutting all her long hair:

"But I AM FREE now. I recognize the difference, in the way only a previously and ignorantly unfree person could recognize. I’m suddenly free of the past. I’m free of the expectations I’ve accepted in my life (from myself and others). I’m free of the facade, the props I would use to convey Who I Am.

I’m free of the NEED to convey Who I Am."

That's right, it feels like daily we put up a fight for the need to convey who we are. The need that is perhaps not even a real need, necessity, it could all be in our head. That we will get approval if we do something, if we look a certain way....

It was actually a phase a few years ago when I decided to let go of the need to convey an image that I myself went through the revolutionary experience of getting a very short hair-cut. Only now, I feel the need to go shorter and shorter. To cut out more and more. Of what isn't the basic me.

I have been convinced for a long time now that half of what we do, we aquire and wear is for approval. Instead of spending our own money for what we truly need, it is spent on the fake need of approval. Only we probably all know it's a game we cannot win because conveying an image gets us nowhere. At best, it earns a few praises here and there.

But at most, what we think is so important, people don't even notice. And when we return to ourselves, people will not notice the difference either. What we think is so evident really is not. And we have everything to gain. By rediscovering our true selves, stripped of the need to conform.

Rediscovering what we like to do, wear, eat when we give ourselves permission to be, to be free!

The only approval we need is our own, and our own approval will never be based on notions of what we should be like. I firmly believe that we always get our own approval if we stay true to ourselves, no matter what.

Why is it so difficult to say those words when you are about to refuse doing something.

We think of all sorts of excuses to avoid having to say: I just don't want to.

Some time ago when I asked someone about something he stopped doing, I expected all sorts of fancy excuses and what I heard to my surprise is that he simply didn't want to anymore.

I think we avoid it because we think it's hurtful, and we'd rather say anything else than that truth. But saying it is liberating and in-your-face surprising because it's authentic. And so it may just be appreciated.

the Sun to the Earth

photo credit

wonderfully said. Let's stop walking around with a belief of entitlement, of expectations of other people, what they should do for us because we are deserving. We are all standing separate and anything we do each other comes from our free will, not to be taken for granted, and certainly not to expect something in return.
Be grateful for each experience, each 'teacher' who has touched your path this year. There's no place for regrets, for everything has contributed to your journey and offered lessons. There's no wasted time, if things haven't turned out the way you hoped and worked on, it doesn't mean the experience hasn't offered valuable lessons. Try to deal with disappointments with acceptance and humbleness, practice detachment.
We don't owe each other anything at all, so anything we get from another person is a gift to say thank you for.
Experiences are not promised to last, they will come and go, we will learn the lesson to enjoy while we can and not look back with anger and regret but with gratitude and enjoyment that it was all part of our lives.

fearlessly authentic

photo here

As I am reading this blog talk about shame and how well we were taught to feel shameful and how we cannot let go of this as adults either, I am thinking how different our lives would be if we were more shameless. Fearless. Tonight my friends and I discussed the idea that so much of our lives is governed by fear... but I'm thinking more along the lines of what we would be like if we weren't so afraid and wouldn't feel embarrassed. If we felt free to do what we want. Sometimes it comes natural to let go and not care, most of the time we find it difficult not to care. Not to care of what others think.

That's why this post has touched me because I absolutely love it when someone just puts it out there. When you have the guts to lay it out there, your thoughts pure and uncensored, unabashed, the way you are. That's where we tamper with our creativity, when we start editing and criticising our instinctive work, based on what we think others will think of us. Sometimes we do everything to hide what we think others will not like about us, what we think are our shortcomings. We do a lot of editing to improve our image. In the process of the editing, our true self gets lost.

On the rarer occasions we feel more gutsy and shameless, we realise that we are the ones running the show and no one can judge us without our consent. They can and will judge, but it is only with our consent that it affects us.

So then, how can you act today if you felt more fearless? What would you do, say or what would dress like? We often get into the role-playing so much that we forget what it is that would make us passionate about being ourselves. What would be different if you cared less about them and more about being you?

the way to happiness...

I was reading this quote yesterday which said that we feel happiest when we are working toward a goal and I was thinking...not sure about this one. How much does having aims and working toward achieving them contribute to happiness? While I am always thinking about fulfilling our potential, I am uncertain about the relationship between goals and happiness. Working toward goals and trying to tap into our potential is more like fun, something interesting that improves our life and adds joy to it.

Happiness is not the destination you get to when you achieve something, it is here all along. Happiness is in the moment right now. It's not a later notion, it's something to tune in to anytime, independent of where you get to be and achieve later. It's in the acceptance and full embracement of NOW.

Slow down and stand still

catinajanearts

It's amazing what a difference it makes when suddenly I am not faced with another workday and I have countless hours ahead of me that need not be filled with anything productive at all. I need not to hurry, or worry about being on time, doing everything I can within a limited amount of time. An ordinary workday gives you a definite time-frame and you gotta make the best of it... there's an urgency to do as much as you can. It's hard to slow down....

When that time-frame changes, loosens up, it opens up all sorts of possibilities. Suddenly the urgency to do so much is gone, you can almost unwittingly slow down and be in the moment with a peace of mind that is somehow different when you are about to go to work or come home from work. Looking ahead you see a serene horizon filled with what now seems endless hours and many happy days. That you get to enjoy and fill with whatever you fancy.

But what I observe with great pleasure is how I really get to slow down and stand still on vacation days. Without the urgency, I suddenly turn to activities I used to enjoy before my working era, I notice I get to focus on just one thing, really let myself indulge because the clock is not right there pushing me to hurry up. I can afford to be oblivios to time.
You can get so into multi-tasking and dividing your attention all around, which in the end results in scattered attention and lacking full focus so you find yourself not really doing anything at all with zest and full immersion.

I want to learn to allow myself to delve into just one activity with the same flow and enthusiasm when I am not on vacation. There is often actual time for that, it's just my mind runs overtime to push me to do the many things before I need to turn in to be there for tomorrow. I want to learn to enjoy my time with the same peace of mind and slowness, being mindful of the moments and the mundane tasks of just going through the day. Taking in the moments fully without the sense of urgency to move on to the next thing. I am here now.

feeling in tune with yourself

so the trick is to feel true to yourself playing the different personality roles. How do you know a role suits you?

I think we intuitively do. The other morning, I got off the bus and was heading to work. Standing still waiting for the light to turn green, I said to myself, wait a minute, something is OFF here. I wasn't feeling myself, had a feeling of detachment. Not having time to catch my breath and tune in with the world in the morning, I felt for certain that morning work was not my piece of cake.

We intuitively know if a role serves our best, and helps our true personality thrive. If we feel at home and at ease it's smooth sailing, otherwise we get a feeling of something not being right, a similar feeling to homesickness I think. Practice mindfulness throughout the day and catch when you feel most at home with yourself - effortlessly happy, balanced and fulfilled.

our many identities

We are all made up of many different identities, we often step into these roles and don't consciously realise what we are doing, who we are becoming. For a while you are a mother, a spouse, we have a work personality, a social/private persona etc.

I have only recently realised that I have a work personality. From one day to another, I developed one. Which may mean that I had one all along or that we are very quick to adapting and bringing out our potential. Daily it surprises me how my work personality does not coincide with my private personality. How much do we give away at our workplace of what we are like in our private lives? I think that no matter how much we enjoy our work, there's a sense of limited freedom when we are at work, we wait for time to pass so we can 'liberate' yourself a little. Or tune in to our other self, the one we are at home; we count down the hours where we are free to spend our time as we please. Where we can forget about the work restraints and our personality can break loose...

Then there's the personality we project. I have noticed some people even change their tone of voice when they speak to other people or when speaking on the phone. Is this consciously done or just an ingrained routine? What is the purpose of this?

I don't think I am one to project a different personality in different situations. But at work, when I am doing my routine of explaining patients the details of the examinations, it has become an ingrained routine so it feels a little strange to do it off work. I feel I morph into my work identity once I enter the clinic.

It's interesting how these different identities co-exist and merge together to make us whole. The trick is to find yourself in each of these roles and manage to feel at ease and true to yourself.